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Have you heard about the new movie called constipation? It hasn`t come out yet.
"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
Technology is outpacing my ability to come up with convincing lies that I didn`t get your message.
I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
I get as much action as a white crayon.
The songs I like always come on when I’m supposed to be getting out of my car.
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"