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I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
Smile. Your enemies hate it.
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
Why can`t someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?
Here`s an idea...Duck Dynasty Chia Pets
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.