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I`ve been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We`ll all be dead soon anyway.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
When she says she`s madly in love with you, concentrate more on the word madness.
Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
Yes, that`s correct. And the horse you rode in on.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.
I`ve got a lot to unlearn.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you`ll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards
If Jesus was the son of Mary and he was the Lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a Little Lamb?