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I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
It`s so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
Story of my life : 1. i wake up .... 2. i go to school.... 3. i see a girl .... 4. i run to her and kiss her.... Actually, the right order is 2,3,4,1 ..
If history repeats itself then I am SO getting a dinosaur.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to.
I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"