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BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
It`s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
When you consider names for your baby, it`s important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Friends would describe me as classy, sassy and a bit smart-assy.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy that just wanted to check out a girl’s butt.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!