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I’m single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice!
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push ... into traffic.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"