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I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.
I’m exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
I’m not a biologist but I’m pretty sure the difference between a moth and a butterfly is that a moth is really ugly.
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
Life`s tough. It`s tougher if you`re stupid...
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.