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It only takes a second to show someone how you really feel about them... the cops call it indecent exposure, but whatever
I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
If intelligent people don’t start having babies as fast as the trash in “honey boo boo”, we’re headed for a very dumb future. Am I the only one that sees this?!
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP