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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole.
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
I don`t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.