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You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
Hey.. The tequila I drank wants to tell you a secret.
pudding... thats always a funny word
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
Today is opposite day. Wait...if today is opposite day and I say that it is opposite day that means today isn`t opposite day. If it isn`t opposite day then how cAn I say today is opposite dAy? I`m so confused -.-
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.