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Got into a vicious battle with quite possibly the World`s Largest Spider. The outcome? Well, I`m updating my Facebook status this morning.... He isn`t.
Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I’ll settle for some bacon.
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
I`m pretty sure by now “lazy” is just part of my personality description.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
This status has been censored by Facebook
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys "partying"
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.