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If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
Language is cool because it`s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late