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The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
Some days are just not meant to be productive.
I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
NASCAR pit crews are always retiring. Let it sink in: now laugh
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.