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I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
I flunked anger management class.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
I am not as think as you drunk I am
With so many things coming back in style, I can`t wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
My misery likes tequila, not company.
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.