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I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Statistics show that 3 out of 5 people.. aren`t the other 2.
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
You’d think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
I like people the most when I`m by myself.
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.
How long does it take to get obsessed?