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I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
I`ve been struggling with my laziness. I can`t decide if I should sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing.
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca`s third dog.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!