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Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters on poles.
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
Anyone that says I`m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
It takes patience to listen, it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.