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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
I either get what I want or I change my mind!
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
There are people in life you could NEVER get tired of hitting with a shovel!!!
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.
If you don`t do stupid sh!t while you`re young, you`ll have nothing to talk about later in life while sitting at the bar.
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.