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" a fool and his money ----- are never around when you need a loan......"
If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
Facebook: Proving that just because you have an opinion doesn`t mean you should share it.
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS...
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
Don`t do drugs. Become a Pop star and they give `em to you FOR FREE!
I Googled, “Who gives a sh!t?” and I was not in the search results.
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
I`d probably get a lot more done if it wasn`t for me.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.