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You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don`t know if I`m kidding or not.
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?