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My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
Sex is great, but.....Have you ever had stuffed crust pizza?!?!
An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
exactly how long is a cotton picking minute.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
Seems like I can`t go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
My IQ? ... With google or without?
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.