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Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a computer? I don`t really know but when it megabytes, it megahertz
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
Jodi Arias dating O J Simpson now that would be a hell of a relationship
Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Independence Day.
I don’t just act crazy, I’ll drive you there too.
I think Facebook now comes under the housework category.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.