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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
in 2014 there were times when I annoyed you, disturbed you, irritated you and bugged the hell out of you. Today i wanna let you know that i planned to continue with it this year :-)
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
"Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I`m doing nothing right now... it`s totally possible.
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
homework wont kill me, but why take the risk!
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume