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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference.
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
Apparently there is no age limit on ignorance.
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
Hey, chicks who have words tattooed on your tits... We didn`t come here to read.