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Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
I had to leave the bowling alley right in the middle of the game. I didn`t have time to spare.
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
Nothing is impossible.. Never Give Up.. I know a guy that once actually guessed correctly why his girlfriend was mad at him.. :|