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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women. Comment "You 3 look incredible!!"
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
Flight 370, proven harder to find then the G spot :-/
Your mother never saw the irony in calling you son of a bitch.
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.