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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
I have over 500 facebook friends, and i want to say that i love you all...except for number 376 ..you`re a real a@@hole!!
I assume people with dark tinted windows pick their nose more aggressively than the rest of us.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners...
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
I`m really sick of responsibility ... and underwear
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?
I´m up way too early for someone who wasn´t planning on seizing the day.