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Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
I just had a conversation with my-self...but it just turned into an argument. I think it`s that time of the month...
I bet Waldo’s parents are worried sick.
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
If I throw a stick will you leave?
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
It`s just adorable how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won`t be back tomorrow.
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.