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In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
You don`t have to dress like you`re a handbag, unless you are Lady Gaga.
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
If you`re in a hole, stop digging...
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that`s not your Ferrari?
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...