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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
Iām eating just in case I get hungry later
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
Your things are terrific.
I make a great second impression.
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.
If I was just learning English and you told me a sport called BOXING takes place in a SQUARE area called a RING, I`d probably give up.