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Life can be like Chess sometimes. I don`t know how to play Chess.
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
Marriage. When dating goes too far.
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.
I just did some calculations and I`ve been able to determine that you`re full of sh!t.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."