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If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
I followed my heart...Now I`m at the liquor store.
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
No great story started with someone drinking water.
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
you know you`ve been facebooking too much when you accidentally say "LOL", in person...
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.