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I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
I sometimes goto Starbucks for coffee and tell them my name is Bueller ... Then leave before my coffe is ready
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
In today`s world, the key to success is to delete your Whatsapp account!
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone