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I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
I like to log into facebook and leave a status just to show I`m here. Or am I?
If I randomly burst out in laughter, it`s usually `cause I just told myself a joke I`d never heard before :)
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.
It`s bad luck to be superstitious.
Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn`t change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.