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There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe…call in sick tomorrow.
I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
I am sweet, lovable, kind, shy, and innocent ... Oh, for heaven`s sake! Stop laughing!
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?