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All I`m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn`t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after every use.
eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
Good For OJ, he gets to take another stab at life..