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I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail…
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
eHarmony should be more like Amazon “customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03?.
Keep honking. I´m reloading.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
Insanity workout? The fact I am even considering putting down my phone and getting off the couch is crazy enough, thanks.