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Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.
Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
they say money cant buy you happiness but id much rather be crying in a fararri...
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
I don`t have dirty mind ...I just hav a sexy imagination. ..
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.