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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I refuse to jump on the `I hate Mondays` bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally
I’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
I laugh in the face of normal.
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
Since light travels faster than sound, isn`t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
I haven`t seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he`s OK.
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.