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I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
The best things in life are free, but they still screw you on shipping.
Sarcasm. Because communicating with morons is hard.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.