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Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. Then they are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
If it doesn’t involve food or sleep, I’m probably not interested.
I’m in a rush to go home and do absolutely nothing.
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!