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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to except my medal.
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
"Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid."
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet
I went to the Dr today with severe headaches .. he asked if I suffered from any memory loss. I said "How the F would I know?"