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Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
I`m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I`ll run them under cold water for half a second
Velcro is a ripoff
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
At the start of every relationship many girls treat their boys as a GOD but later the alphabets are reversed
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."