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HA! If you think I`M crazy you should meet ME!
No matter how busy a guy is, he can always take out a moment from his busy life to just stop and stare at a beautiful girl.
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake it then you`ve got it made!
So much to do and so few alibis.
Always believe a woman when she says: “You don`t want to know!”
The well behaved rarely make history.
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.