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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
You cant ask "What do you mean by that?" without sounding pissed off
Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
My teen thought it`d be funny to post as me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.