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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
How do I like my eggs? ... Umm in a cake.
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
If A Couple in Love are called Love Birds, then a couple who fight with each other should be called Angry Birds.
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.
roses are red violets are blue da shit in my back yard looks jus like you
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session