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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.