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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
Has anyone ever seen a gorilla in the mist? Some of the local drivers struggle to see my car in perfect daylight conditions, so I doubt that they`d spot a Gorilla in limited visibility!!!!!
Don`t under estimate me... unless you`re trying to guess how old I am or how much I weigh.
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
Respect your elders. They made it through school without Google and Wikipedia.
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
I was just thinking…Then I thought “why?”... So there will be no more thinking today.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
The only correct answer to the question are you sleeping is no.