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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch