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Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
RAIN!!!! :) I guess my rain dances must have worked. Some people call it stumbling around... I call it rain dancing.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
You win some, you lose some...unless you`re me, then you win them all.
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.