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Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
Cashiers are always checking me out.
I don`t have a smartphone I have a phone that shows potential but doesn`t apply itself
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
If it`s really the thought that counts, we`re ALL screwed. LOL ;)
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
I`ve often wondered: Who the heck is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?