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I will not be satisfied until I see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
At long last, I`ve finished my research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.....The results were, quite frankly, staggering.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
You`re never too old to learn stupid sh!t
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.