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Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
They should really be Middle-Age Mutant Business Turtles by now.
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger ... at least one of them anyway.
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.