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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...
My boss just asked me why I wasn`t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn`t see him coming
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
Where 5 minutes becomes 5 hours. Facebook.
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?