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On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
If you workout and don`t post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what`s inside.
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.