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Have you ever tried blind-folded archery? You don`t know what you`re missing.
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.