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Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
If I could keep it short, my life would be so much simpler.
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
Boobs are to men what light bulbs are to moths.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
Tell a therapist, Not Facebook.