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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
...you ever ponder why that page was intentionally left blank?
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
I heard recently on the radio that, "If a man looks at womens breasts for 10 mins a day he will add 5 years to his life".. Can anyone confirm this?!! If so what are we waiting for?