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Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Aren`t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know...The birth of Santa
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Girls just wanna have funds.
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species