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Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." ... Shouldn`t there be an "is" in there somewhere?
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
I lost my mood ring today. Not sure how to feel about it
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.