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I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
So you think you can study with your facebook activated? That`s cute! ^.^
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
I hate in video games how penguins always use their ability to slide on their stomachs for evil
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"