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So, I bought a wok to cook healthy food and I have to say, these french fries don`t taste any different.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
We can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I`m still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
If you`re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
It`s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.